Time to be serious: Leaving a beating is never easy. Mind tricks are the worst.
Note: Most of my blogs take about an hour to fork out. I find my inspiration one day and write another. It usually goes like this:
**Something happens and I say something silly or someone else says something silly or I just THINK something silly.
Insert thought: Oooh! That would be a good blog post!
The rest of the day happens…sleep, work, wait, I haven’t posted in a couple days. Let’s see, what ideas do I remember…..thinking….thinking….Oh yea, let is us do that one. (Yea, the inner voices say it like that. La Amistad Movie Reference. I digress.)
HOWEVER! This one took several days because I wanted to convey a message that is not very clear to the rest of the world. I really do not care that you cannot agree with what I say here. This will resonate with SOMEONE. For those that get it, this is for you:
Recently, I have heard 2 different stories about people in abusive relationships. Both are entirely different and no, I do not know these women. One is a good friend of my Cal and the other one is a friend of a co-worker. The type of behavior that has caused pain for these women is uncalled for and certainly not deserved. No matter how much of a bitch you are, there are other ways to handle things not going your way. This brings me to this post. This is not intended to have a skewed view about how things work nor is it intended to be funny. Sometimes I am serious and need to put that serious side out there.
Long before I started blogging and definitely before Cal, (He is the best. I could not ask for a better man! J ) I was in a bad relationship and had “been there done that” and experienced some of the same things that these women are going through. It was a horrible experience. While this post is not reflecting on my own personal experience, I am noting this to show empathy. Pulling from that, I know that these two women are both strong and weak in the same soul. I want to discuss that and provide for you some insight as to what you can do as a friend, family member, or loved one to support them.
These women are strong in their own right.
This country takes a dim view on spousal abuse and domestic violence. It is never a pretty topic but is even darker for those who are enduring it. These women are strong in that they do just that. They endure. This is not something to be taken lightly. They are there and they live this nightmare and unless you are living it yourself in exactly the same manner, you will NEVER know what it takes to pick yourself back up and move on from an “episode.” They still have to breathe and wake up the next day. Whether they do it on their own or with help that they let in (we will get to that shortly,) they MUST go on. The ideal situation occurs when the person being abused leaves. It sounds pretty simple. But simple is far from what it will ever be. Instead, they continue to remain in the relationship. For the rest of us, that seems like the stupidest move.
But you DON’T know how it is do you?
The strength comes from knowing that while this seems bad…terribly, horribly bad, there ARE times that are good times. There was once love that was true and sweet and real to them. The good times are great and the bad times are horrible. It takes a great amount of intestinal fortitude for these women to remain in the situation they have found themselves. It’s also not quite so easy to walk away. They rationalize to themselves that there are so many reasons to stay and raw hope in the fact that their mistake will get better if they just stick it out. There are also things that are going on that the rest of the world is a part of that good intentioned individuals have no clue of which they are contributing.
I am talking about the ones that offer advise of “leave him, you can do better, what a jerk he needs to be castrated, etc” While this is the inner circle tossing these statements, they are not helping very much. Yes, it does need to be said that the sucker that beats his woman because his job is not paying him enough or just for the sport of it is an ass and needs to have his own beat…severely. That is not what the battered person needs to hear to make them choose to walk away. While it is good to give them this information and it is sage advise, they are also hearing that they made a mistake in the choices they made in a partner and that may make them feel even worse about the situation. Further, they are not hearing that you are empathizing with them. While it is difficult at best to do that, let them know that you may have your own opinion of what they should do but also that they have a friend if they ever need one and that when they discover they are ready to make the next step that you will support them all the way. I know this seem crazy because they could end up in the hospital or dead but these battered people need to know that there are people out there who support them and that do not feel the need to remind them that their decision in a mate was less than perfect. Eventually they will come around and realize what they have gotten themselves into.
No, it is not going to make things better and badgering them about it is not going to help either. Instead, help this person rationalize to themselves that leaving CAN happen and that while it may hurt or is hard or scary, it WILL get better. Don’t be too pushy because it is that strength that will play the stubborn role and keep them there if you hack away at them.
These women are weak in a way different than perceived.
These women have been beat down and convinced by their partners that they are nothing if they try to stand alone. For those who are beaten, they are afraid of what may happen should they try to leave at the wrong time. Timing is everything here. Not only do they have to be mentally ready, they have to anticipate anything bad that may happen as a result. They know that the cops are not always easily in reach nor do they believe the authorities can intervene at the right time.
Those who are mentally browbeaten, they have a very weak constitution and are in the most need of self-convincing banter. They have to mentally feel that they are tired of all the drama and know that they are worthy without this person. Telling both types that they are better off is simply not enough for them to take the leap of faith. It is truly not that simple.
In summary, be there for these people. Brow beating them by inadvertently telling them that they made a bad decision or simply demanding that they leave the person they are with is not a step in the right direction. It is ok to let them know that you care and certainly ok to let them know how you feel but unless you have been there, know that what they just need someone they can vent to and yak at. This is their own effort at rationalizing that they need to move on. Until they find someone like that, they will likely continue. Also know that it will become tiring to hear and drag out longer that you would like. It is not you to judge, it is for them to lean on you as a non-judgmental friend until they are able to pick themselves up and move on. When they talk to you, it is an effort to let someone know and, should they almost make the “right” decision too late, that there will be someone there.
Unless you have been there before, none of this will make sense for you. For those of you who have or ARE still there, it is perfect clarity. I raise my coffee cup to you. The battered. The beaten. The tricked. You will find your strength one day. Until then, I hope you find a good friend that will just….listen to you cry.
What do YOU think?
Posted on January 11, 2015, in Life, philosophy, Things that will cause hate mail and tagged abuse, batterer, domestic violence, help, hurt, life, psychology, relationships. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.