Its the little things
I haven’t written in a bit but this has been bouncing around in my head for a while. Time to show my human side and get it out. This post is not like my others and while I have an artist rendering of the exact feelings behind it, I am saving that for my next post. Pretty much because some art is NSFW and I want this post to at least survive any censorship.
About twenty years ago, I took for granted the image reflected in the mirror. I was about 130 and hated what I looked like. I have never been happy with me. Little did I know that one day, I had the power to change that. Fast forward to now, three kids later and a work at home job that challenges every healthy suggestion known to humankind. Oh. You also want to add approximately 70 pounds to that. I avoid pictures. I wear sweatpants all the time. It’s a daily occurrence that something will not fit anymore today. I am easily winded and love to have a plate in front of me. Yes. My name is Micaa and I am a flavorhog. (Remember that post? Ah, but I digress.)
I tried many things. Four daily miles on a tredmill for nine months. Still 200 pounds. Eat only fruits and vegetables for a year. Still 200 pounds. Hydroxycut…HGA drops AND pills, no sodas, no carbs, count calories, no fast food…all epic failures. I avpided mirrors and scales and stopped wearing makeup. I even made appointments for (and chickened out) lap band surgery, liposuction and laser fat removal. I had begun to accept the fact that being huge was what was going to kill me.
April 25, 2015. Someone who (apparently) was as miserable with themselves as I, said some really nasty things to me. While I wont give her the glory of repeating those things, I can say it hurt me to my soul. It made me hate what and who I was. It made me even consider going the way of the coward. (Like Robin Williams.) Instead, I sat and thought about it. I decided to use that primal self-hate and anger and use it to make a change. To show that person and everyone else that I am better than this. One of the things she called me was…fat. I can still hear her voice and it burns my ears when I am working out.
I set a pretty high goal. I had no timeframe for reaching that goal only that in spite of people being mean, I was going to make it. I asked people who had been working on a similar goal what worked and what failed for them and, to keep myself accountable, I told the wellness group at work.
I found MyFitnessPal and got reacquainted with my tredmill. My huaband got an exercise bike and my son brought me a stepometer. I started using Your Shape Fitness on Xbox. Everytime I became upset over those mean words or hated my own being, I worked out. I set a daily calorie goal and started. Even the wellness manager at work said I was ambitious with my goal. She just didn’t know my story. Did she?
I am three months into this journey. Can you believe I am only a couple of pounds from “halfway there?” My goal was sixty pounds to lose. I stay away from scales because I know it will be a caustic relationship. I weigh in once a month. There are victories here. These little things are now the motivation and the self hate is beginning to fade. Oh I still hear that nasty voice pushing me and thats great when I have a lazy day.
My list of little things….
1. My pants dont have to be “unrolled” when I stand up.
2. Things fit better.
3. Some things dont fit cuz they have become TOO BIG.
4. I can breathe.
5. I can scratch my back without assistance.
6. It’s not an act of congress to get up from sitting on the floor.
7. When getting laundry out of the laundry closet, it is not wall to wall me. I have wiggle room.
8. My shoes are not so tight.
9. I have had to put seven new holes on my belt to make it smaller.
10. Friends notice the improvement.
11. My husband can tell the difference when we are snuggled on the couch on movie night.
12. My kids are all into making this work for me.
13. I have more energy.
14. I can sleep on my stomach..again.
15. When I get a cut or scrape, it heals in 7-10 days instead of nearly a month.
16. More water.
17. My skin looks and feels better.
18. When I smile, my eyes don’t disappear.
19. For the first time ever, I am beginning to like what I see in tge mirror.
20. Through it all…that person has gained a lot of weight and I am now smaller than her.
21. I almost consider myself a “skinny blitch.” (Before, I wanted to trip everyone who weighed less than 170 so I could laugh at them.)
There are so many more little things but if you celebrate these things in your journey and not the numbers on the scale, it keeps your motivation fresh. Yes. I still have a long way to go and it wont be easy. I WILL get there. Come heck or high water. #goalswillbereached.
What do YOU think?