Anastasia Diaries: Shhh…Can you hear that?
The silence. It is so loud.
I am sitting on my couch at 5 a.m. contemplating the mess that my life has become. I am trying to work up the courage to move forward with a sense of normalcy amidst the chaos. The political and social climate we as Americans find ourselves in affects everything the sun touches. We are powerless to ignore. Even those who are proudly, publicly, progressively sitting outside of the world climate are touched as we retreat to our bubbles. I sit in silence….
Prisoner of so many things that are and yet I run free with fear. Can you hear the silence roar? It was so loud it woke me before my alarm and all I could do was sit up and listen. The what ifs, the could be’s the maybe’s. They all dance before me in the still darkness of the living room. I reach for someone I know. A loved one. Seeking the comfort of a warm hug, a reassuring hand to yank me out of this hell and I find nothing. Do I even exist? Do I matter? The air conditioner wakes and silently caresses my hair with its fake, gentle breeze. I begin to think I am invisible.
With my screams, I call out, begging…screaming for someone to help me. Yet I open my mouth and there is nothing but silence. In the darkness my mind falters and I begin to question everything. The air conditioner begins to rattle and racket…saying to me…no. Rage is not the answer. It is hilarious that it is dying on the inside too. It will be 90 in the shade today. The weather app on my phone silently told me so. At least something is talking to me.
If I shaved my head would you notice me?
If I took a baseball bat and broke everything would I have your attention?
If I put everything on Social Media would it matter? I haven’t put anything on there for six months…
If I scream and cry so loud the heavens can hear would you listen?
If I cannot fix me would it make you sad? Glue does not fix everything…
Here I sit. Drowning in the silence I find uncaring, unforgiving, uncanny. It envelopes me. Squeezes me so I cannot breathe. The air conditioner finally pauses…and the silence…it roars. I want to jump up in a rage and fight back. No! You cannot do this to me!!! But the coming sunrise peeks through the part in the curtains. Daylight begins to pierce the darkness. To bad it is only the room because it never reaches me.
I take that with what little hope is left and fight the urge to rage and I begin to walk the rut I have paced into the worn carpet. Another day. Another day I will not be me. Another day to be ignored. To feel helpless. For no one to see.
My cries for help remain unanswered and I going to explode soon.
Would it matter? Would anyone care? ……..,