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Good Morning Stranger

I get up and go about my usual morning routine. Only, I stop for an extra moment to ponder what I see in the mirror. Who is this looking back at me? I have not seen you for a long, long time. Good morning Stranger! Where have you been? Can it really be you? From way back when? Thinking back, I don’t know where you went. Did you hide? Was it time well spent?

Why do I say these things to the mirror? After all, it is just a reflection. A reflection of one’s self. However, that reflection can become someone else. Someone you hate, someone you don’t recognize and remain that way for many years. Sometimes, it is not even the fault of oneself that we end up this way. Sadly, in my case, I think it was. You see, the reflection I have been staring at (screaming at) for nearly 20 years was not me but someone much larger, lost, and different. I avoided her. I didn’t take pictures, I didn’t look in the mirror. When I did, I wanted to throat punch her and scream in her face until spit rained upon it. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH ME!!!!????

But this morning was different. I have yet to wash my face and brush my hair but I can only smile at what I see staring back at me. I don’t want to scream at her. I don’t hate her. I know she has come a long way and has a long way to go but I can see her. My best version of me. She is beautiful. She is a mess. However, she is no longer a joke. She is wiser. Things like fat jokes are not funny anymore. She sees the world through a different filter. I like what I see. After all these years, I have found the person I was searching for and I can get back to loving myself. No more happiness in the bottom of an empty plate. That was the same kind of happiness a drug addict chases when they are trying to get high. I am beyond that now. No more turning to food and bad habits when things become stressful. Because I can love me and I am able to stare at the face looking back at me in the mirror, I am a stronger person. I can love me now.

It was strange, this morning, staring at my reflection. I liked what I see. Bed-hair and all. I have not felt that kind of comfort in a long time. Stranger, I don’t know where you went or where you have been, but please, please, don’t go back there anymore. I have a funny feeling you didn’t like it much. I know I didn’t like it when you were gone. I can smile at you and you will smile back. It will be a true smile. One that is not hidden behind a puffy face and slits for eyes. One that is not obscured by more than just a chin. It is you. Beautiful you! While you are not completely back, I can see that you are there and you have that determined look. You are here to stay!

I love you reflection. I know you feel better and I know you are working hard to show the world that you are still here. That you still exist. Thank you for caring enough to come back. Thank you for taking the journey to get here. Thank you for being…me.

Hello Stranger! I am glad you are here. Stick around and show pride without fear. Welcome Stranger, you’ve been gone so long. I can never apologize enough for steering you wrong. Hello Stranger! Where have you been?┬áCan it really be you? From way back when? Thinking back, I don’t know where you went. Did you hide? Was it time well spent? I am glad you are back. Our journey will see, just how we both can stay on track. Stranger no more, I love me. My reflection, I love, is staring back at me.

What do YOU think?

Self loathing

I have always had issues with self. I have cone to realize that I checked out of the self love department many, many years ago. I understood this today. I don’t know what caused this light bulb moment. I think it was the culmination of many things. Not sure where to start but here goes.

My self image has always been skewed. I imagine this is the same flaw that anorexics an bulimics posses. I say this because when I see people who are the same clothing size as me, I do not see this huge person that my reflection shows. I am sure that when I look at my own reflection, I see this fat person who is a whole lot bigger than what she really is. This disgusts me and makes me feel bad. Psychologists will likely tell me its a good thing I recognize that. Not beeing happy with the vessel which encompasses your soul causes a lot of inner conflict. For me is creates self hate and that is destructive. This where I have been for almost since I can remember. Before being fat bacame an issue it was some other thing. Why did I have nappy curly hair when all my friends had shiny straight hair or why was I a red head? No one else was. When I got into my teen years that damned whit stripe that appeared in my hair (off center like a cockeyed skunk) every summer and I had a pooch for my lower abs and not a flat stomach like everyone else. I hated it. I hated me. This has been a lifetime of self hate.

Fast forward to late teens ane early 20’s. I had very few boyfriends and the ones I did have were not nice to me. Called me ugly and would pick on me in front of the circle of friends I thought I had. This is where people don’t believe the bubble I lived in. Not much happened. I just existed and not much more. My first real “party” was not until I was 21 and it was the first birthday party of Cals that I went to. To this day, I have picture of us at that party on my desk. I was almost human. I have been in and out of serious hate with myself over the course of my whole life.

Tyler Perry’s Madea says “Honey how in the hell can you love someone else if you cannot love yourself.” Today, I finally understand that sentiment. It took a couple days of self loathing, too many beers and nearly a year of wandering in the dark to come to that conclusion. Know what else attributed to this life changing moment? It took the intentional trespass of someone whom I thought to be a friend to trample all over my feelings, heart, and soul. She took my very being and slammed it on rusty spikes of betrayal and then walked on it like it was an afterthoughtm she took pure bitch and rubbed my face in it then walked away laughing. What she did was unspeakable and hurt me beyond anything I can put into words. For that, unnamed woman, (you know who you are queen sandwich maker
There is your digression peeps.) I want to thank you. I forgive you for what you did. I forgive the threat, for what you still are. (Two meanings there.) And I forgive you for what you are. Also, I have a great fondness and love for you. I wish the best for you and yours. For you are a sister in kind and the divinity of the Mother Goddess is in you as it is in all of us. Prosper sister. I will take what you have shown me and learn from it ad return it to you tenfold.

As a result of this thing that was done, I fully understand that I will find peace only when I truly love me. I have started down the path to healing from the harm that was done to me as well as the years of being spiritually checked out. I know I have a long way to go and it wont be easy but I do know who will ride or die with me.

I know who is with me and who is not. I know my ride or die family and if some November Rain washes it away, I know I will be ok because I have discovered that I can get back up, pick up the pieces, and continue on. Also know that the bond I have with my Cal cannot be broken. His is my rock and nothing can break that. Any thing that comes along and tries is only temporary and external.

I am going to love me. I am going to fix what has been broken and move on. Watch out world. Its ALL about to change. I am strong and beautiful. I am phenomenal. I SHINE.

Whaylt do YOU think?

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