I get up and go about my usual morning routine. Only, I stop for an extra moment to ponder what I see in the mirror. Who is this looking back at me? I have not seen you for a long, long time. Good morning Stranger! Where have you been? Can it really be you? From way back when? Thinking back, I don’t know where you went. Did you hide? Was it time well spent?
Why do I say these things to the mirror? After all, it is just a reflection. A reflection of one’s self. However, that reflection can become someone else. Someone you hate, someone you don’t recognize and remain that way for many years. Sometimes, it is not even the fault of oneself that we end up this way. Sadly, in my case, I think it was. You see, the reflection I have been staring at (screaming at) for nearly 20 years was not me but someone much larger, lost, and different. I avoided her. I didn’t take pictures, I didn’t look in the mirror. When I did, I wanted to throat punch her and scream in her face until spit rained upon it. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH ME!!!!????
But this morning was different. I have yet to wash my face and brush my hair but I can only smile at what I see staring back at me. I don’t want to scream at her. I don’t hate her. I know she has come a long way and has a long way to go but I can see her. My best version of me. She is beautiful. She is a mess. However, she is no longer a joke. She is wiser. Things like fat jokes are not funny anymore. She sees the world through a different filter. I like what I see. After all these years, I have found the person I was searching for and I can get back to loving myself. No more happiness in the bottom of an empty plate. That was the same kind of happiness a drug addict chases when they are trying to get high. I am beyond that now. No more turning to food and bad habits when things become stressful. Because I can love me and I am able to stare at the face looking back at me in the mirror, I am a stronger person. I can love me now.
It was strange, this morning, staring at my reflection. I liked what I see. Bed-hair and all. I have not felt that kind of comfort in a long time. Stranger, I don’t know where you went or where you have been, but please, please, don’t go back there anymore. I have a funny feeling you didn’t like it much. I know I didn’t like it when you were gone. I can smile at you and you will smile back. It will be a true smile. One that is not hidden behind a puffy face and slits for eyes. One that is not obscured by more than just a chin. It is you. Beautiful you! While you are not completely back, I can see that you are there and you have that determined look. You are here to stay!
I love you reflection. I know you feel better and I know you are working hard to show the world that you are still here. That you still exist. Thank you for caring enough to come back. Thank you for taking the journey to get here. Thank you for being…me.
Hello Stranger! I am glad you are here. Stick around and show pride without fear. Welcome Stranger, you’ve been gone so long. I can never apologize enough for steering you wrong. Hello Stranger! Where have you been? Can it really be you? From way back when? Thinking back, I don’t know where you went. Did you hide? Was it time well spent? I am glad you are back. Our journey will see, just how we both can stay on track. Stranger no more, I love me. My reflection, I love, is staring back at me.
What do YOU think?
I must admit, since I have had children, my weight has been a horrible conversation that I have with myself multiple times a day. When I see little skinny people or people with simply no flaw on their outer person, it makes me want to pour red wine on their head (I hope they wear some expensive white outfit) and run off into the nigh cackling like a maniac. Skinny people seriously make me sick. People will tell me it comes with age and that I can get back to a weight I am comfortable with, yada, yada, yada. Not gonna happen. Too much work and, apparently, I am not in love with myself enough to go to such great lengths. There are other things like genes that come into play to. I just know it but I have been told that is a cop out. Whatever. You don’t know me.
Enough of the back story. The other day, there was this girl that honestly looked like a mini marshmallow walking around on toothpicks. She was short, dumpy but was THAT SKINNY! She had a HUGE phone in her back pocket. You know, one of those “I can slap your face with this and knock you out with it” phones. A Samsung Galaxy note 1200 or whatever the fancy people get these days. I swear that phone was wider than the thigh she was trying to support it on. I mean really folks. Does someone that small honestly need a phone that big? Can it be that she is not old enough for a knife or mace for personal protection that she has to have a phone that she can wap someone with and still be able to hold on to it. Truthfully, I cannot see how that would be possible either unless she uses two (2) hands or something. Jeez girl. You are all about matching your clothes, at least you can match your phone to your body type.
That brings me to another thing. These little tiny women who have HUGE babies. I mean JEEEZ..How in the world were you able to spit THAT out? That child, at 3 months is nearly 2/3 your size and you are already back to looking tiny and trim? Kids will scrape your insides and stretch your body every which way that is humanly impossible and yours is awesomely bigger than it appears your body is capable of forcing out of a hole that is about the size of a golfball and you STILL come out of that looking like you adopted or something? Ugh. The natural world has a sick sense of humor and Mother Nature laughs at me everytime I scoff at a skinny minnie. Mother Nature, we will have a talk one day. I can assure you of that.
UPDATE REGARDING THE LYING SCALE: They must have received a complaint or something about that scale that I wrote about a few days ago. I went back to it and it was REALLY different than what I initially said it told me. While it was better, I still hate it because it is not good enough. However, it does not stick anymore. Glad I am not as huge as I thought I was. Now if my coffee diet will just start working, the world will be beautiful.
However, Mother Nature and I still need to have a chat…
What do YOU think?
My name is Micaa and I am a flavor hog.
I had an epiphany yesterday while scraping the bottom of my spinach dip jar. (It was frustrating enough having spinach dip for chips and all I had was crackers.) I realized that I had sat down and ate the entire jar in one and a half sittings. O MY GAWD! What a pig! But the stuff tastes SOOOO GOOOODDDD!!!!!
I sat there and thought about that for a minute. I had to swear off Chocolate Jiff because I could finish a jar of THAT in a day too. I also have to stay away from making uber creamy mac and cheese because I will eat the whole box. Hrmm….There is a pattern going on here.
Ok. Ok. I admit it. I LOVE flavor! If it tastes good, I am going to eat it even when I am not hungry. If boredom is hanging with me, I may even eat more. No wonder my vain attempts at meeting the elusive “130” have failed miserably. What do I do? It would be a horrid experience eating all stuff that has NO flavor. Ick. But I bet I can lose a lot of weight that way. I could also get rid of a lot of stress in my life becoming a career serial killer but maybe I wont do that. Wait, if I totally eliminate flavor out of my life, will I become a serial killer? Maybe not. I didn’t when I quit smoking. I know! I should try to eliminate caffeine and see if I can do it. If so, then I will resume caffeine and quit flavor. No….that won’t work. Then I have to fight the urge to blow up the planet. I will have to steal Marvin Martians Q-36 modulator first. Aw dangit! Then I won’t be able to blow up the planet because the house is on a slab and there is no way to move it away. Too expensive anyway. Grrrr. What am I supposed to do!
I certainly do not have the time to jump on tready for three hours every day. While that may be an option, it would only work if I could study while I am on tready. Yea, not really, I get stressed out on that thing! Really! The kids pick on me and they run behind me making me nervous that I am going to kick them. Not that I would want to kick them but when they poke fun at me an tready having our time together, I would like to but then, that is mean and I am not mean. Not to my family anyway. Well, the close ones.
Too bad mean will not let me lose weight. I would just be mean for a month, lose a butt ton (yes, that is an accurate measurement and it is a real one! Bing it!) of weight and then return to being nice again. Ah, but then that is circular huh? Eliminating flavor from my life would make me mean and I would lose a butt ton of weight (have you looked it up yet?) and then I could just leave flavor out once I know I can live without and just try being nice again. Well, we all know boss is nice when she is work. However, flavor hog aint nice…like boss! (There it is! The digression! Now, go watch the movie Life! Haha.)